I am a big fan of the site, Tiny Buddha, it was my ambition, ever since discovering it to contribute to it.
So you can imagine my excitement when one of my pieces was selected for Lori Deschene’s second book: Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself which is published on 1st October this year by Conari Press. And if you pre-order it from her site for the month of September you get a whole raft of e-goodies, including my e-book The Creative Mama’s Soul Book!
So to whet your appetite, here’s some powerful words from it that touched me deep…
Top 4 Tips about Moving Beyond your Childhood Pain
1. Tell empowering stories of healing in the present instead of sad stories of hurting from the past.
When you live in the story of how you were hurt, you define yourself by your pain, and you essentially pick up where others left off in mistreating you. It’s hurtful and crippling to rehash these events over and over again (though it can be helpful in a therapeutic setting). When you find yourself dwelling on an old story, tell yourself that you’re creating a new one—a story of forgiving and loving yourself in action. Try to understand whoever hurt you, and recognize that their actions were prob- ably caused by their own pain. Then proactively choose to do something to take care of yourself in the way you wanted to be taken care of years ago.
2. Challenge the limiting beliefs that make you feel bad about yourself. You may be holding on to all kinds of limiting, inaccurate beliefs about your worth, your potential, and what you deserve. Realize these are not facts—you formed these beliefs based on difficult experiences and years of misguided thinking, and you can change your life by challenging these beliefs and forming healthier ones. When you start thinking the old belief, look for evidence to support the opposite one. It’s there—proof of your intrinsic value is in your choices, your actions, and your daily life. You just have to start recognizing all the good you do.
3. Shine a spotlight on your shame and douse it with empathy.
When people abuse us, disrespect us, silence us, or disregard our feelings or needs, we often internalize that and feel shame, as if we deserved to be hurt because we were unworthy, bad, or flawed. We then feel the need to hide ourselves to avoid the pain of being seen, but hiding just creates more pain. It’s not your fault that you feel shame—it’s a natural response to the way you were treated—but it is your responsibility to heal it.
Researcher Brené Brown wrote that shame requires secrecy, silence, and judgment to grow exponentially, and that it can’t survive when doused with empathy. Offer yourself that empathy by choosing not to judge yourself for what other people did to you or what you did in response; and let someone else into that process, whether it’s a friend or a professional.
4. Recognize the beauty in your journey.
You may not feel that all parts of you are beautiful, but there’s beauty in the strength and courage that have helped you get where you are. Whatever you did in the past, you were doing the best you could, based on what you learned and experienced. Shift your focus and take some time to acknowledge how amazing your journey has been thus far. How have you displayed grace and bravery? How have all the chaotic dots of your past shaped up to create something unique and inspiring? If your life were a movie, what positive message would viewers take away?
Lori Deschene has dedicated the last four years of her life building a supportive online community for those seeking and looking to share wisdom. Since she launched tinybuddha.com in 2009, she’s helped more than 650 writers share their stories with over 17 million readers. In addition to writing her first print book, Tiny Buddha: Simple Wisdom for Life’s Hard Questions, Lori has self-published the Tiny Wisdom eBook series, and recently launched her first eCourse, Recreate Your Life Story: Change the Script and Be the Hero. Formerly a writer for nationally distributed ‘tween publications, she has also written articles for Tricycle: The Buddhist Review, Shambhala Sun, and Chicken Soup for the Soul. A native of Massachusetts, Lori now splits her time between the Boston area and the San Francisco Bay Area with her fiancé Ehren